Communication

It’s at the centre of relationships. All relationships: human, bird, reptile, other mammals, even plants (some say!) Western society has taught us humans to hide how we feel, and that (at the core) is what is behind most communication problems. We don’t know HOW to express ourselves, and we get caught in patterns that put road-blocks in our way to really connecting with someone we love.

I’ve included a little diagram, above, which I draw for my clients sometimes when they come to me with relationship problems. Recognizing the unhelpful patterns of communication makes it easier to stop and talk about them and to listen to each other: not to think of the next thing to hurt the other person with, but listen to understand where the other person is coming from.

The source of the things that come out of our mouths is the unseen, possibly unrecognized, vulnerable emotions like fear, sadness, shame, guilt, loneliness, and a few others. The feelings are so uncomfortable that we react emotionally to them and transform them into anger, frustration, irritation, emotional outbursts, and shutting down or running away, physically or emotionally. These last reactions, unfortunately, are what our partner sees, and which strike at their own vulnerable feelings. And the cycle continues.

I practice Emotionally Focused Therapy, a proven and time-tested type of therapy, with couples and sometimes even with individuals. The above cycle is the starting point for understanding between the two parties. After that, they learn new ways of speaking and listening that will honour the other person’s vulnerable (or “soft”) feelings and meet each other’s needs and longings for connection.